@Nespresso – JeanMarc Duvoisin – Hi there, I got your email address from your Linkedin page. One of your sales

Roxann Shayler sent a message to JeanMarc Duvoisin that said:

Hi there,

I got your email address from your Linkedin page.

One of your sales guys contacted me at work via email and I just wanted to point something out about the way Nespresso are approaching potential customers.

Below, is the email I received. Under that, Is a rewritten version. I genuinely have a passion in marketing language and I just think your template style is very dated, especially in a world where creative agencies are becoming increasingly popular. There's nothing relatable or personable in your sales pitches.

I've added some comments in red. Sorry if they come across as condescending.

Your version

"Subject: Do you have five minutes Roxann? Oh god no, please no… (would be my answer to this subject text).
Hi Roxann,

I just wanted to check if you’ve seen my previous emails? You don’t need this sentence. It’s rude and the question mark shows a lack of patience.

At Nespresso Professional, we know that offering small perks like quality coffee could have a number of benefits for The Writer. Too formal

We offer a variety of business coffee solutions, and you can also share the cost of fresh, high-quality coffee between your employees or customers by adding our payment system to your Nespresso Professional machine. You decide what payment configuration works best for your business – from cash-based to cashless options. I lost interest in this sentence because I didn’t know if I was being sold coffee or insurance.

Find out more by calling 03300 582677, replying to this email or visiting our website. Old school

I look forward to hearing from you. Predictable.

Best wishes,

Tom"

Amended version

"Subject: Have you had yours this morning?

Hello Roxann,

“How do you take yours?”. Five little words that’ll bring music to your customers (or employees) ears.

If there’s one thing we know for sure at Nespresso - it’s that good quality coffee makes for a good quality day. Whether you’re into a super frothy, or a simple coffee, we’re here to help.

We’ll tailor your package to meet your business needs. There’re cashless options, or you can even add the ‘pay-now’ option to your machine, so your staff and clients can ‘pay as they perk’ (literally).

If you fancy finding out a bit more, feel free to respond to this email with any questions - or you can check out our website here.

If you're not typing type, give us a call. The number’s 03300 582 677.

Cheers,

Tom"

I'd love to get on board with helping you rewrite some of your ads and internal writing.

If you'd like to chat more, drop me a line on 07711 041 112.

Thanks,

Roxy